Finding Ourselves in Relationships

By February 8, 2017Counseling

Relationships can seem endless, and it can be overwhelming and, at times, very limiting. Sometimes it just feels good to be noticed, and we jump at the first person that looks at us. Relationships and life are some of the hardest things to face. We often struggle with  There are four very important ideas to consider when you are trying find the right person in your life:

  • know who you are
  • know what you want/need
  • know your boundaries
  • know your worth

Your relationships reflect who you are. We are often a mirror of what is around us. If you don’t know who you are or what you want, then how are you being reflected in your relationship and in your life? Simply put, you are not. If you are simply trying to “make it work”, then you are attracting the wrong type of person and life. We do not have to be defined by our circumstances and look around us and see the chaos, but we can instead see the chaos, stare it down, and overcome. We have to tap into these four ideas first.

Who You Are

You can’t be happy if you don’t know what makes you happy. This is the most important part in attracting someone the right person. Many times, you walk into relationships bending and shaping out of your comfort zone to make someone like you. When you bend and shape for other people to make them happy, you eventually lose your sense of self. Knowing who you are gives you the power to create a meaningful relationship. If you know who you are then you know the qualities you are looking for in a person. This gives you the influence to choose the type of person you want to attract. You have the power to say no to people who don’t fit…you don’t have to be the one to fit in order to make it work.

What You Want/Need

If you don’t know what you want in a relationship or in life you are setting yourself up to attract the wrong kind of people and circumstances. By knowing your values and needs from your relationship and your life you are able to shape your mental picture of who and what it is that you want in your life. When you know what you want you typically get a well-balanced result that wholly reflects who you are through your wants and needs. When you express your wants and needs in a healthy way it sets you up to create successful and meaningful relationships and lives.

Create Boundaries

Know your boundaries walking into a relationship. If you continue to find yourself in situations that are uncomfortable and uncertain you are probably not setting or holding boundaries. When we attract the wrong type of person, we often find ourselves trying too hard or being suffocated. Boundaries are something we have the power to create and enforce. Boundaries tell you “what is ok” and “what is not ok”. This helps you create stability and security in relationships which helps you create strong relationships. Setting boundaries could be anxiety provoking because there are costs and benefits to boundaries. People who respect your boundaries are the people who can stay. People who do not respect your boundaries are also not respecting who you are, what you want, or your worth.

Your Worth

When you know what you are worth you stop attracting the wrong type of person. When you know your worth, you know the things you deserve. Many times your experiences with others shape the way you view yourself and what you are worth. We develop attachments  to ourselves and to others through our previous relationships and experiences, and it is hard to separate yourself from those experiences and develop a sense of worth that is all your own. If you want to stop going from bad relationship to bad relationship you have to start loving and respecting yourself. Sometimes you have to be more choosy about the people that do enter your life. When you start seeing yourself as worthy, you are able to find a person who respects who you are, what you want/need, and your boundaries.

You need to gain your power again in your relationships and in your life. You can’t give your power to the person you are pursuing, because when you give them your power they have control to use, manipulate, and control you. When you are a person who knows who you are, what you want/need, your worth, and your boundaries then you know that the person that you meet reflect the qualities that you are put out there. They will know who they are and what they want, they will have boundaries and self-worth.

Each of these areas take time and preparation to develop, and finding the right counselor to help guide you through some of these areas may be beneficial to your overall well-being. These areas do not come natural to most of us and we have to take time to develop a sense of identity, understand what we want, create boundaries, and find the courage and strength to know our worth. Contact me, I offer a free twenty-minute consultation to see if we would be a good fit to walk through this journey together.

Rebecca Frank

Author Rebecca Frank

More posts by Rebecca Frank